A Wish
by ShelbyLehnsherr
Summary: For Gojyo and Hakkai, there was no attachments. But that was the problem. Neither of them can handle it anymore. This relationship, if you could even call it that, needs to stop. But neither of them want it to end. Not like this. *YAOI*
1. Part 1

**Author's Notes:** My best friend and I started writing this story during our vacation in Orlando. We only got a few pages done there and finished the rest during some downtime we've had this week. We decided to do something different. We wrote this story entirely in first person. It switches off between Gojyo and Hakkai throughout the story. Overall, we are very pleased with the final result. Comments are much appreciated! At least, positive ones are.

**ADDITIONAL NOTES: **This story is based off the song "A Wish" by Gregory and The Hawk. If you haven't heard it, I highly recommend you give it a listen. It's quite good. I wrote for Gojyo and she wrote for Hakkai, as always. Please excuse the extreme vulgarity on Gojyo's part. This story is pretty long, so I will separate it into parts. There are six parts total.

**A Wish**

* * *

><p>(Gojyo's POV)<p>

So, it's the same shit again.

Hakkai hasn't said a damn word to this this entire morning. This was it, the awkward stage. I ain't questionin' my abilities between the sheets 'r nothin', but Hakkai not talkin' ain't exactly a good sign. At the beginnin' of all this, he'd ask me the same BS every morning, and act completely oblivious to the fact that we fucked the night before.

Hakkai probably ain't comfortable with callin' it that. But what else could ya call it? Making love? We sure as hell didn't make love. There was no sappy pillow talk, no promises, no commitment. Thats how I like it. Lot easier that way, 'n not just for me.

...Right?

Ugh, its not important now, I suppose. The bastard ain't talkin' to me. But then again, what could there be to say after all that? I'd be speechless, too.

I'm outside smokin', you know, the same shit.

I'm not goin' in there. I'm probably actin' like a pussy or somethin' but I don't have anythin' to say. Nothin' I say is probably what he wants ta' hear anyway.

"Gojyo?"

Fuck.

"Hm?"

"Would you like some breakfast?"

Tch. Why the hell not.

* * *

><p>(Hakkai's POV)<p>

He thinks that I don't know that he's avoiding me as best he can in such a small home. Gojyo has always been easy to read, even from the very briefest of encounters, and this is no different. At this point in whatever type of relationship we've forged, Gojyo and I have reached a level of intimacy that I can't quite place; as much as I'd like to keep these walls of mine high, Gojyo is always there to somehow break them down. He knows me too well, but it's a two-way street. In the years we've lived together, I've had more than enough time to uncover his quirks and mannerisms.

I would like to believe that he's avoiding me because of his own doubts about anything we've done, but I know that isn't the case. He's secluded himself outside with the companionship of nicotine because I haven't spoken to him in what feels like days but, in reality, equates to hours. What he doesn't know is that everytime I think of speaking to him or even open my mouth to, the words simply fail and my mouth is suddenly full of cotton. I can't bring myself to speak for the same reason I nearly bolted from the bedroom that same morning. It's an attachment, another rope binding me to a man that I both love and hate, sometimes equally so. This relationship we've made, this unspoken agreement that we somehow become more than friends, needs to stop.

In retrospect, I'm not quite sure when, or even why, I became quite so fond of Gojyo. Somewhere between waking up in unfamiliar clothes under unfamiliar sheets and chastising him for improperly disposing of his cigarettes I suppose, but even that leaves too many questions unanswered. We're so different, he and I; sometimes I find it hard to believe that we can even properly function as friends living under the same roof. I built those walls for a reason, but he can't seem to comprehend that he's ruined all my hard work. He's wormed his way into the heart that I didn't believe to exist anymore after /her/, and I can't take it anymore.

Just as he hides outdoors with his cigarettes, I hide in the small kitchen. I know he realizes something is wrong, off; though we aren't particularly sentimental, it's very rare that I allow him to wake up alone and then remain silent for the entire morning. I can't face him though, not yet. Petty as it seems, I can't help but think of how temporary this is. I've lived with Gojyo long enough that I know just how fickle his interests are. A night, maybe two, but nothing more; what we have should have ended long ago. I would be lying if I even toyed with the thought of accepting the fact that sooner than later I would become another notch in the bedpost; I wish it could be true, wish that I was able to look at Gojyo and see a friend and nothing more, wish that I didn't look past him and see those eyes, her eyes, staring sadly back at me, but I can't and I don't. He's there, as much as I hate for him to be.

I cook for two because I always have. Split portions of any mean, automatically prepared even if the other hasn't said a word about eating. Though I've avoid himself all morning, I'm reaching for the eggs and bacon without thinking, cooking without even asking if he plans to eat.

He's on the front porch, lounging against the steps with a cigarette in his hand. The smoke curls around him like a blurred halo.

"Gojyo?" My voice is steady enough.

"Hm?"

"Would you like some breakfast?"

He rumbles some sort of answer, yes maybe, but I'm turning to go back inside.

"It's ready whenever you get hungry."

We've shared no more than a handful of words, and already my stomach is in knots because of it.

**-End of Part One-**


	2. Part 2

**A Wish - Part Two**

* * *

><p><strong>(Gojyo's POV)<strong>

"It's ready whenever you get hungry."

'Course Hakkai would try and make the situation normal. This situation is so beyond fucked up, n' I don't know how I'm suppose'ta go along with it. I can tell he's nervous as hell. He ain't speakin' like he always does. I can tell he's tryin', probably too hard, to talk to me.

I offered a mere grunt in response to his statement, not findin' anythin' more to say to 'em. If I felt like I had a choice, I would stay out here or go to Sanzo's place and fuck with him before comin' back home...only to avoid conversation with Hakkai.

One thing is fer sure, I ain't goin' inside 'til I finished my damn cigarette.

I really fuckin' hate this.

My god damn best friend, who lives in my house, ain't speakin' to me cause we have screwed too many times to count. Best friends aren't suppose'ta sleep in the same bed. That is, unless they plan on sleepin'. I've spent more time on top of him than I have any woman. Do I regret it? Hell no. I know the bastard ain't thinkin' about me, but what the hell do I care? I ain't in love with him, 'n he ain't in love with me.

He's in love with that one chick...his sister, who's name I can't remember...nor do I really care to. He's made it clear that he loves her. She's his sister, but its whatever floats his boat, I suppose, so who the hell am I to judge? Many of the girls I screwed around with are less than desirable and he'd probably have a lot to say about 'em. He can say what he wants. Long as I get my dick wet, what the hell shit should I give?

I don't know how to explain it. 'Kai's different. I ain't never messed around with the same girl more than once. Some of 'em are looking for some sort o' commitment, and when I tell them I'm not interested they get all bitchy and act surprised before leavin'. Is that why Hakkai isn't talkin' to me? Cause he thinks I'm not lookin' for commitment? He'd be right...

I guess.

He can't pin this shit on me. He's too god damn hung up on his dead sister. Maybe all he's lookin' for is a good fuck every now and again. I can't blame 'em for wantin' me more than once, since we're bein' honest here. Sex with Hakkai was good, almost too good.

If I had to go the rest of my life without pickin' up some desperate woman at some shithole bar, I probably could.

So long as I had Hakkai.

But who the hell knows how much longer he's gonna be okay with it. "It" being this fucked up situation we got ourselves into. I guess you could say that I'm afraid of the day that Hakkai decides to leave. I've grown accustomed to havin' him here. Givin' him up would be like givin' up smoking...'cept worse.

Five minutes was long enough to keep him waiting, right?

Hell, I didn't even realize I'd put out my cigarette some time ago.

I've just been sittin' here thinkin' about a guy like some love-sick girl.

How pathetic.

Getting up outta my seat, I noticed Hakkai sittin' alone at the kitchen table through the window. He hadn't touched his plate, and mine sat in my usual spot across from him. It was probably cold by now.

I only sighed as I pushed open the door, the loud screeching not even phasing Hakkai. Only now did I notice that the house was clean. Hakkai had been cleanin' a lot lately. This must've been what he was doin' while I was outside for the past three fuckin' hours.

I said nothin' as I sat down in front of him. Things were pretty fucking awkward. He looked p, but the second I did, he looked back down.

This whole thing was pathetic.

I fiddled around with the fork for several moments, seein' him just start to eat. I had no appetite. The last thing I wanted to do was eat. The days where Hakkai and I could actually carry on a normal conversation were practically foreign. I haven't seen 'em smile in Kami knows how long.

Son of a bitch. I'm startin' to make all this sound like its my damn fault.

He didn't have'ta do anythin' with me if he didn't want to.

But he did.

So what the fuck does that mean?

He doesn't want it. He doesn't love me. He loves her.

So, I shouldn't be angry, right?

Ah, hell with it.

I stood up without even thinking, the chair I was sitting in hitting the wall a bit louder than I'd intended. I saw Hakkai flinch. "I got some things I gotta do..."

That was the only dumb excuse I could think up.

Normally I was pretty good at being spontaneous...when it didn't involve speaking.

I didn't bother pushing in my chair as I left. He frowned, but I have too much of a cold heart to look at him.

I'm such an idiot.

A few strides later, I was out the door, headed nowhere inparticular.

Mainly 'cause I hadn't really thought about this beforehand.

* * *

><p><strong>(Hakkai's POV)<strong>

I can't look at him. He's walking through the living room, just a few quick strides, and then we're sitting across from each other. My mind is screaming for me to get up, to leave and lock myself up in the bedroom where I can at least block him out. There's some sort of old saying I heard once as a child about things being out of sight and out of mind, but it isn't true. Even while he's outside smoking, or at the bar, or running some sort of errand, he's all I can think of. It's wrong, I know it is...I don't know when Gojyo's face took the place of Kanan's in my mind, but gradually it has. I still think of her of course. I've woken up far too many times choking on a sob that comes out a scream, but more often than I would like, Kanan is floating through my mind two steps behind Gojyo, and the guilt from that realization is enough to make my skin crawl. I see her, love her, but it's Gojyo who is always there, his hold on me far tighter than even he knows.

He doesn't love me, I know. It's foolish to think otherwise, to cling to the false hope that somewhere there is some sort of commitment. I'm just another conquest to him, another body to keep the sheets warm until morning. He's too needy for touch; I'm too needy for some sort of anchor, something to keep me grounded. There may be no commitment on his part, but he doesn't quite realize just how much I need him, even if it is ripping us both apart.

I eat without thinking, and he doesn't touch his food. I can't taste anything, but it's something to do; he can't see how badly my hands are shaking if they're wrapped around my fork. Words are bubbling out of my mouth, but Gojyo's chair is slamming against the wall before they can actually come out. I flinch without thinking, dropping my fork against the table.

"I got some things I gotta do..."

He's gone before I have a chance to speak, and though I've finally received the solitude I wanted, it gives me no solace.

**-End of Part Two- **


	3. Part 3

**A Wish - Part Three**

* * *

><p><strong>(Gojyo's POV)<strong>

I don't know how the hell I managed to stay gone for so long.

Twelve hours and two pack of cigarettes later, I finally began to head home, not exactly lookin' forward to what would await me there. Part of me wondered if he was gonna demand some sorta explanation for my behavior this mornin'. If I'm lucky he'll already be fast asleep by the time I get there.

I'd just ride the couch tonight.

But knowin' Hakkai, he'll be asleep on it for the sake of lettin' me sleep in my own bed.

I continued to trudge silently on the path I've walked numerous times before. I was havin' a hell of a time gettin' Hakkai outta my mind. I've tried all day long. I refrained from havin' any beers (okay, there was /one/), 'cause I don't think Hakkai would appreciate me comin'

home completely shitfaced.

Wasn't about to make it his responsibility to supervise me.

I'm a grown ass man.

Plus, I don't think I'd have enough sense in me to even attempt to make it home.

And just my fucking luck.

Hakkai was awake.

I see the damn kitchen light on from the window, and seconds later I see him cross to the fridge. was he puttin' away food? The bastard actually made me somethin'?

Damn it all to hell.

With a deep sigh, I pushed open the front door, the rustic noise makin' Hakkai jump slightly. Obviously he hadn't expected me to come back tonight.

Believe me, it was just as much of a surprise to me.

I looked him over, took in his surprised expression as I made my way to the entry of the kitchen.

All semblance of control I thought I had melted into lust.

This always tended to be my first reaction to him. Why?

The hell if I know.

He was wearing some fitted cotton pants, and a semi-oversized black t-shirt.

Mine, I realized.

"Oh, Gojyo. I made some dinner if you want to-,"

Before he could say anymore, I crossed the kitchen and crushed m y lips to his. My hands were instantly on his hips, pulling him towards me.

Maybe I just made a horrible mistake.

* * *

><p><strong>(Hakkai's POV)<strong>

Night falls before he comes back, swallowing our little house in inky blackness. I turn on lamps, keep the door unlocked while I make dinner. There's a very high chance that he won't come home tonight, that he will spend the hours with another faceless woman, but there's still that tiny part of me that hopes he will. I cook a meal that will keep and be easy to warm again, just in case he does come home hungry. I'm sure he's been at the bar all day, and the chances of him eating there are slim. He usually wastes his money on alcohol and cards, not something that will actually benefit him.

The food sits untouched for most of the evening, until I realize that I'm a fool for making it in the first place; a fool for even believing things would return to some sense of normalcy in a matter of hours. He isn't coming back.

I jump when the door opens, nearly banging my head against the top of the refrigerator. I know it's him before I even turn around; I can smell the cigarette smoke and alcohol from across the room. A quick inspection of his face makes me realize that he isn't drunk. His crimson eyes are clear and focused, pinning me to the spot.

"Oh, Gojyo. I made some dinner if you want to-,"

His lips are crushing against mine before I can finish, and the words fade into a mere gasp of shock. Hands latch on my hips, pulling me against him until we're pressed together against the cabinet. I want to fight him, to pull away and excuse it as another lapse in judgment, but I can't. Every logical thought in my head fades like smoke from one of Gojyo's cigarettes, and I cling to him without thinking. It was only hours ago that I was telling myself our relationship needed to stop, and here I am now, tangling my hands in his hair and kissing him back even though I know it's wrong.

So wrong.

* * *

><p><strong>(Gojyo's POV)<strong>

Okay, maybe it wasn't such a horrible mistake.

Soon as 'Kai started kissin' me back, that reassured me that I could keep goin'. Not that I could really stop once I got started.

I pinned him up against the kitchen cabinets, tongue running over every crevice in his mouth I could find. His hands in my hair drove me wild. I never liked my hair, mainly for the color, but Hakkai really seemed to like it. To each his own, I guess.

I slid one of my knees between his legs, drawing one of those delicious moans from him.

Kami, I love it when he fuckin' does that.

He leaned into me, and I only drew him closer. My hands slowly ran up and down his sides, earning a shudder and a moan a few octaves louder than the last. Eventually we had to part for air, which really sucks 'cause we were both pretty into it. Before Hakkai even had a chance to speak, or even inhale for that matter, my lips were latched to his neck, leaving behind sloppy, wet kisses all over that glorious throat.

Hakkai was mine. The thought of anyone else doin' this to him made me really fuckin' angry.

As long as he was livin' under my roof, nobody was allowed to touch 'em.

'Cept me.

* * *

><p><strong>(Hakkai's POV)<strong>

It was times like this that I was able to realize just why so many women were wooed by Gojyo. I would like to think that I've got some sense of control, but when it comes to him, I'm lost. I should stop, would stop, but I can't.

It's only when we part that I'm able to piece together a coherent thought. I shouldn't be doing this; best friends aren't supposed to do this. I shouldn't love him but I do and I hate it, hate that he's done this to me without even caring. Not for the first time, her face flashes in the back of my mind, eyes as familiar as my own and a mournful smile that cuts straight through my heart.

_/I'm sorry, Kanan. I'm sorry. I shouldn't but I am-,/_

Gojyo's lips are on my throat and I'm lost again, my grip on his hair tightening. It makes me nearly sick to realize just how much I need him; I told myself time and time again that this was nothing, meant nothing, but it's just a lie. I'm in too deep already.

Another moan rips from my throat as he lingers on my neck, and I pull myself as close to him as I possibly can. It's always surprised me how easily we can slide right back into my precarious territory I so desperately want myself to stay away from, almost without even thinking. Not a work has passed between us since his arrival home, and yet here we both are, lost to need and want and something, on my part, that I can't quite explain.

**-End of Part Three-**


	4. Part 4

**A Wish - Part Four**

* * *

><p><strong>(Gojyo's POV)<strong>

He wasn't stopping me.

Why wasn't he stopping me?

Everythin' would probably be a lot easier if he stopped this from going any further. Whether it stopped or continued, things were still gonna be hella awkward, maybe even more awkward than they were right now.

I nipped on a small sensitive patch of skin on his neck, teeth and tongue working on leavin' a mark on him. Out of the corner of my eye I saw his lips part in a silent moan, hands falling from my hair to my shoulders. I felt him tug almost impatiently at my shirt. It appeared he was wantin' the exact same thing as me.

I pulled MY shirt over his head, tossing it onto the back of one of the kitchen chairs. Mine was soon to follow. By Kami, he was, had to be, the most beautiful man I've ever laid eyes on.

Mainly 'cause I don't look at guys very often.

I shouldn't be lookin' at him this way at all.

He's my fucking best friend.

I caught a brief glimpse of his face, and he looked pretty damn lost. His eyes were all glazed over, a bruise forming on his lower lip where my teeth got 'em, hands trembling on my shoulders.

Christ, this man drove me crazy.

I found myself kissin' him again, almost equally as rough as the last time. He returned it as he did before, clinging to me as I lifted him up onto the counter. Blunt nails dug into my shoulders, leaving behind faint cresent marks as my hands went down to his pants.

He gasped against my lips, hips unconsciously rocking up to meet my touch. My hand lightly grazed Hakkai's clothed arousal, drawing out a shudder and an additional groan. My lips left his, only to go back to his neck. It wasn't hard to push him over the edge. He was a man of simple pleasures.

And simple wasn't in my vocabulary.

I alternated between the movement of my hand and the kisses to the base of his throat. Hakkai's head lolled back against the wood cabinets, pants continuously pouring from those sinful lips. His hands were still shaking. I felt that when they were back in my hair, tugging roughly when a spasm hit him. My tongue laved at the new purple mark I'd left behind a little while ago.

Mine. Mine. Mine.

I moved lower.

I heard Hakkai's breath hitch and watched his expression contort into something that strictly showed pleasure, and nothing but. I nipped his firm pecs on my conquest south, leaving sloppy kisses in my wake. Hakkai's legs trembled slightly, the heels of his feet diggin' almost uncomfortably in my back.

A small amount of discomfort on my part was pretty fuckin' worth it.

I stopped at the scar on his abdomen. Even though it was completely healed, it was still a bulging reminder of his horrific past.

A reminder of her.

I was determined to make him forget.

Forget all about her.

I kissed along the rubbery skin, alternating from raised to flat planes. This marked him as mine.

I did this. Didn't have'ta save 'em, but I did.

Whether he ever wants to or not, he will never be allowed to forget about me.

My teeth tugged on the bow of his cotton pants, pulling it loose. I heard a soft sigh, and then a sharp intake of breath as I pulled said article of clothing down completely, freeing him from his torturous confines.

"Gojyo..."

Yes, call my name again. I love hearin' it. I love hearin' you.

"Gojyo, please..!"

I knelt down, keeping those legs deliciously parted as I devoured him. I wasn't gonna make him wait any longer.

I want him. And he fuckin' wants me.

* * *

><p><strong>-End of Part Four-<strong>


	5. Part 5

**A Wish - Part Five**

* * *

><p><strong>(Hakkai's POV)<strong>

The unfamiliar weight of something settled firmly across my abdomen wakes me, but I know what to expect before I even open my eyes. Brief memories of the previous night flash in my mind. Gojyo coming home when I hadn't expected him to, Gojyo pressing himself up against me so tightly I could barely breathe, Gojyo doing things only he could...

Gojyo, Gojyo, Gojyo.

My head was spinning from the very thought of it, of him, and I felt the familiar knot begin to form in the pit of my stomach.

Here we were again.

The unfamiliar weight comes in the form of Gojyo's arm. He's still asleep, and I'm struck again by how different he looks. Characteristic smirk absent from his face, features smooth, and peaceful. Even though it's already far too warm for blankets or even linen sheets, he's tangled in both and around me, arms and legs making movement nearly impossible. I squirm just to see how far I can go without disturbing him, and I'm nearly free before he makes a sleepy little sound of protest and his arm tenses around me. Guilt makes me sink back down into the mattress; he's always slept more soundly in his own bed, and it wouldn't be fair of me to wake him. Every part of me is screaming to get up and leave, but I just can't bring myself to.

Today, I decide, is going to be the day. There will be no more lapses in judgment. I can't take it anymore, and though I have no idea how to even broach the topic, it's high time we did. What we have is temporary and hardly concrete, and it's best for me to put an end to it before it's too late. Perhaps it already is and I'm only grasping at smoke.

My stomach rolls again. I'm not quite sure when speaking to Gojyo became so difficult, when the very sight of him made me so anxious I could barely think. Even now, simply lying next to him, best friends don't lay like this. They don't share a bed. My hands are shaking with the realization that I'm a mere step away from completely losing him. He will nurse his wounded ego maybe, return to his old habits of staying out night after night, and I'll be the polite stranger living in his home, silently cleaning his messes and cooking his meals.

I sigh and place a hand over my eyes, feeling the steady throb of a headache in my temples. Dozens of scenarios roll through my mind, and none of them end well. I suppose I should be accustomed to this by now, accepting of it; I've dug my own grave, so to speak, and now I've got to lay in it.

"I can't do this anymore." The words are whisper quiet and out of my mouth before I can stop them, and I'm thankful that Gojyo is still, for the moment, sleeping.

* * *

><p><strong>(Gojyo's POV)<strong>

I don't think I've ever slept better in my life.

Hakkai felt, looked, and was absolutely incredible. Always was. Hell, I don't think I can recall a time when he wasn't. What happened last night (again) was no way in hell one-sided. Hakkai wanted a lotta things 'n I had no trouble givin' him any of it. He was pretty generous in bed, that was for sure. For actin' like he didn't want anythin' to do with me, he did a lot with me.

For hours...'n hours...

I was almost afraid to take any breaks, thinkin' Hakkai might realize that doin' this again was a mistake. The thing of it is that Hakkai n' I both knew what we'd feel come morning, yet we still did it. I ain't regrettin' it. Not at fuckin' all.

I don't know about him, I never know whats goin' on in his head. I'm wishin' I knew. It almost drives me crazy, not knowin'. Make things helluva lot easier if he'd just saying somethin', anything to me once this is all said and done.

He's awake now.

I feel him try to get up.

But for some reason, I don't let 'em. I make a whine of protest, and I don't even know where it came from. I'm too damn comfortable to let him even move. My arm tightens around his waist, satisfaction seeping in once more when he sank back into my hold.

He sighed.

I opened my eyes slightly. Good thing he was facin' away from me 'cause I didn't want him to know I was awake. I saw him cover his eyes. Why? The room was still too dark to see, but I'd give it a half hour or so before the sun started to rise. Did he have a headache? Did he feel shame? Was it that-,

"I can't do this anymore..."

...What did he just say?

After nearly a month, he decides that now? Why? Why now? Did he want somethin' more than just the physical stuff? Did he want somethin' more than this?...Whatever this is. Did he think I just kept him around for sex?

I want this. I want him. He can't leave. I ain't gonna let 'em. No way in hell am I gonna let that bastard walk out on me. Where would he even go? Sanzo's place? Live with Sanzo and the monkey? That was funny as shit to imagine.

Maybe I'm readin' too much into this.

Or least, I'm readin' into it too early.

My arms tensed. I'm tired o' pretendin'. I'm tired of wakin' up to the same ol' crap every morning. The not talkin', the not seein' each other a lot, 'cept for at night, was gettin' pretty fuckin' old pretty fuckin' quick.

I leaned forward, nose brushing the back of his neck. He stiffens in my embrace. Bet he wasn't expectin' me to be awke. My lips kiss the skin there, and I don't even know why I did that. I don't know a lot of things anymore.

I don't know what else to do.

I'm hangin' onto him. Desperately.

Damnit, Hakkai, reconsider what you're sayin'. Please.

"So, what're you sayin'?" The words come out before I even get the chance to think 'em over first.

And suddenly I regret being awake to hear the answer.

* * *

><p><strong>-End of Part Five-<strong>


	6. Part 6

**A Wish – Part 6**

* * *

><p><strong>(Hakkai's POV)<strong>

He's awake.

I feel his arms tighten around me and I stiffen without meaning to. He's awake, he's heard, he /knows/. I'm sure of it; there's no way this sudden movement is merely a coincidence. My breath catches in my throat and suddenly I'm terrified because this could be it. This could be the moment I've both wanted and feared, and there's no going back now.

He kisses the back of my neck, an act so tender I feel a lymph rise in my throat. I can't do this-lose him. I'm too dependent; where would I go? Who would I be without him? He may only want physical contact and these nightly endeavors, but I want more. I can't keep doing this to either of us.

I uncover my eyes and look at him take in his mused hair and still blurry eyes. The very sight is enough to make me want to cry, and I have to swallow thickly before speaking.

"So, what're you sayin'?"

What can I say to that? I swallow again, glance away from him.

"I can't do this anymore, Gojyo." I say quietly. I'm unable to look at him. I can't bear to see the disappointment in his face, or worse, the relief. "I can't keep pretending that this is what I want."

* * *

><p><strong>(Gojyo's POV)<strong>

He's no longer lookin' at me.

That's never a good sign.

I wanted desperately to just turn him back-make 'em look at me. It looks like he's havin' a hard time breathin'. He's tearin' up; Christ, is he about to cry? Please don't do that. I don't think I can take it.

"I can't do this anymore, Gojyo." He repeats, so low that I can barely hear 'em. Still not lookin' at me, and that makes me even more nervous, more nervous that I already am. "I can't keep pretending this is what I want."

He wants commitment? Is that what he's sayin'?

He doesn't want the occasional meaningless screw?

Why the hell was that so hard for me to imagine?

"Hakkai," His name leaves my lips before I can stop it. I didn't mean to sound so damn helpless. It didn't suit me, not at all. I'm supposed'ta be the strong one. I've never felt this way about anyone.

But I love him, 'n don't wanna lose 'em.

Shit, I'm not suppose'ta be this freakin' dependent on someone. "I don't want'cha to have'ta do this anymore. I know it ain't what ya want." Tch. I just figured that out, 'n I'm actin' like I knew it all along. If I woulda figured it out sooner, I probably would have never forced him to have to do this-only for it to come down to this moment. "It ain't what I want either."

He was clearly stunned by my response.

I half expected him to try and get outta bed, but he didn't. Somehow, he must've known I wasn't finished.

I tipped his chin up, and he didn't think to look away this time.

The tears finally fell. Dammit. Maybe I need to hurry this up. "I don't like not talkin' to ya. I don't like livin' with the fear o' you leavin' every single day. I want ya to stay here with me, 'Kai. I don't care if I gotta beg. I don't want anymore of this. I want it to mean somethin', 'cause I'm tired of pretending it means nothin'."

Well shit. When the hell did I become sucha sap?

* * *

><p><strong>(Hakkai's POV)<strong>

We lay there for a long moment in complete silence. I feel like I'm suffocating; there's a weight on my chest that I can't quite shake. In the back of my mind, I see things how they could very well unfold. He could leave, just stand and go, and things could become so much worse. Perhaps I should have addressed this sooner; I could have stopped it all, but I didn't.

"Hakkai,"

And he sounds so helpless and lost that it very nearly breaks me. I've never seen him like this; he is always the very pillar of strength and cocky assurance. It's unsettling, and I want to reach out and comfort him, pull him close once again and tell him that everything will be all right, but I can't.

"I don't want'cha to have ta do this anymore. I know it ain't what ya want."

It isn't. I don't want this; I love him, but it has to stop if he doesn't feel the same. It isn't fair or right to continue to pretend, to cling to whatever small scrap of hope I foolishly had when it concerned Gojyo. I know the likelihood of Gojyo actually caring for me is very slim and that he's only letting me down easy.

"It ain't what I want either."

My heart stops and I do look at him then. What is he saying? There's no possible way that he wants commitment; the very thought is laughable. But I let him finish, because something tells me there's more to come.

His fingers are brushing against my face, gripping my chin. It's then that I realize I'm crying, hot tears spilling onto my cheeks even as I try to blink them away. I draw in a shaky breath and look at him, really look at him, just to find any trace of doubt in his eyes.

There isn't any.

He speaks but I can barely hear him over the pounding of my own heart. The words register somehow though, and I'm stunned.

"Leave?" My voice is still shaky, and I feel my eyebrows rise in confusion. "Gojyo, I would never leave. I've never even toyed with the thought." Words come easily now, and I reach out to touch his face.

"I'm tired of pretending that this-us-means nothing. It does, Gojyo, it truly does." I'm stumbling over my words now, trying to get everything out at once. "It means more to me than you know, can't you see that?"

And I lean up and kiss him, because when it comes right down to it, showing has always been easier than telling.

* * *

><p><strong>-End- <strong>


End file.
